Kool Keith: "The Girls Don't Like the Job"

Sex rap's most talented lyricist, Kool Keith is one of those rappers that only people who love rap know about.  Most famous either for his part in the supergroup Ultramagnetic MCs or for his stint as the clown-haired Dr. Octagon, Keith has released over eleven albums under various names/personas.  He claims to have invented horrorcore and he once released a concept album about diesel truckers that actually only contained two songs about diesel truckers.  One of his rap personas has killed one of his other rap personas twice.  He released a concept album of almost-spoken-word under the pseudonym Mr. Nogatco, which is, of course, just "octagon" backwards.  Most of the time when rappers claim to be unbalanced, it's a symptom of thug posturing.  Kool Keith might actually be a little insane, which is all for the better for his music.

When it comes time to discuss Kool Keith's legacy, three things are of critical importance:

1) All of his best work has come under some sort of pseudonym.  This isn't damning, since that accounts for a sizeable portion of his discography.  But it's worth noting that, when it comes time for Kool Keith to speak as Kool Keith, it's usually also time to take a nap.

2) His talents lie as much in his creativity as in his lyricism.  Keith isn't the most talented lyricist of all-time (he sounds lyrically like a cross between Masta Killa and Tyler the Creator, which, I know, gives you absolutely nothing at all to go off of), but he is able to hide that because he doesn't attempt to engage in conventional rap structures (you know, like rhyming at the end of his sentences) and because he is one of rap's great idea-men.  When you think of split personalities in rap, you probably think of something lame, like Cassidy's weak attempt on his Split Personality album.  Or, actually, no, you probably just think of Eminem and he's pretty cool.  Regardless, Kool Keith is the artist who has most convincingly pulled off the multiple personalities bit, both because of the variety and distinctness of his alternate personas.

Actually, you probably just think of Nicki Minaj because it's 2012 and rap hates me.

Pictured: EXACTLY the direction I hoped the career of rap's most important female voice would take.

3) Because of his wide range of personalities, Kool Keith has had his hand in a lot of rap's most distinct genres.  From Golden Age rap to sex rap to horrorcore to spoken word to confessional rap, Keith has somehow managed to touch every corner of rap except for, you know, the three genres that actually make money and command respect: politically conscious rap, crack rap, and luxury rap.  It's worth noting that party rap no longer counts as part of the rap genre because literally all of it is terrible these days and also that I somehow forgot that Eminem has made more money than anyone else in hip-hop doing almost exclusively confessional rap.  Whatever.  I never claimed to be a hip-hop expert except for when I made it my profession on Facebook.

Anyway, the point is that Kool Keith is one of the 50 greatest rappers of all time and you had no idea who he was until 2 minutes ago.

Agents beware, I'm talkin' to Shaq behind the Lakers' back.


Explanation: Uh.  The context of this line in the song does not give us anything more.  So, apparently, Kool Keith is trying to sign Shaq.  You know, as a rapper.  I guess.


Awkwardness of Reference: Because he's so eclectic, it's hard to decide if Kool Keith is always awkward or never awkward.  I like him, so I'm going to go with never.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Um.  Well.  There's nothing really clever about it, no.  Kool Keith is hard to measure by conventional rap rubrics.  2 of 5

Appropriateness of Reference: At the time of this song's release, Shaq did indeed play for the Los Angeles Lakers, although I doubt that he every secretly consorted with Kool Keith about ditching LA for the rap game, even though he was a surprisingly successful rap artist.  So...?  3 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: Uh?  2 of 5?

James Joyce and Shaq: Ireland's two greatest treasures.

FINA SHAQ SCORE: 11 OF 25

Gucci Mane: "Trap House"

Earlier today, I saw that someone on favoritesite-of-mine rapgenius.com referred to Gucci Mane by the epithet "intellectual trap rapper."  Like you, my first thought was "Wait, what?  Gucci Mane sucks and is terrible and very dumb."  I am a constant re-evaluator, so it occurred to me that I may have somehow misjudged the Ferrari Boyz affiliate and that I should maybe give him another chance to prove himself.

This blog gives me just the chance I need to do that.  Gucci mentions Shaq in his song "Trap House," so now is as good a time as any to figure out if there's anything intellectual about how the Ice Man gets down:

Well.  There you go.  He loves to "smoke weed" and to "shoot dices."  Also, he stole the "high like giraffe pussy" from Ludacris.  Stealing lines from Ludacris is the opposite of intellectual.  I think that settles that.  Glad we had this talk.

"Money long like Shaq feet."


Explanation: In conjunction with the hustler-phrase "make money stretch," the idea of money being "long" ties both the notion that there is a great deal of it and the notion that it can be made to last a long time.  Gucci Mane is claiming that his money is so long that it can only be compared to something of extreme length, like the feet of Mr. O'Neal.

Awkwardness of Reference: Gucci is a pretty awkward guy, mostly because he has a tattoo of an ICE CREAM CONE ON HIS FACE.  But there's nothing spectacularly awkward about this line.  I'd say it's one of the least awkward lines in a mostly awkward song, actually.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Nope.  Nope.  2 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: One thing I do like about this Gucci line is that it talks about Shaq's feet instead of his hands, which seem to be the area of focus for most Shaq-body-part-referencing rappers.  For those of you who don't know (hopefully everyone), Shaq's feet are about 15.5 inches long.  By comparison, a dollar bill is roughly 6.15 inches long.  This means that, were Gucci to have money literally as long as Shaq's feet, he could have, at most, 5 bills.  The largest US single bill denomination was 1929's $100, 000 Woodrow Wilson bill.  Ignoring the fact that these bills were not circulated amongst the general public (and that they are worth far more than their face value because of their collectibility), it would appear that Gucci could, at most, have $500, 000 at his disposal.  While this is a good deal of money to me, it's not particularly impressive in the rap world.  So, fail.  2 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: But has Gucci, at least, maximized his financial possibilities by choosing the NBA's largest feet?  Unfortunately, he has not.  Pistons legend Bob Lanier had slightly bigger feet than Shaq, coming in at 6.3-ish inches long.  Of course, at most, this would allow Gucci an extra bill, which would still leave him poor by baller-standards.  But it's worth noting that Shaq was not even the best choice here.  2 of 5.

And now we all know approximately one thing about Woodrow Wilson.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 9 OUT OF 20.

Mistah F.A.B.: "Slappin' in the Trunk"

I don't really have a lot to say about Mistah F.A.B.  He's an okay rapper who has stupid jewelry and a really terrible name acronym ("Money Is Something To Always Have--FaEva Afta Bread").  He really isn't particularly remarkable in any sense of the word, except for the fact that he apparently  thinks it's cool to make fun of special education children.

Okay, that's not entirely true.  Mistah F.A.B. has a "short bus" charm, repeatedly tells his hyphy followers to "go retarded" and "ride the short yellow bus," and is releasing an album called Da Yellow Bus Rydah next year.  The idea is that F.A.B. is linking the figurative expression "go stupid" (which is an imprecation to listeners to dance with abandon to a track) with the literal lowered intelligence present in those children who must unfortunately receive special education.

Also, he titled his first album Nig-Latin, which is inexcusable in itself.

Let it be known that F.A.B. doesn't think he's doing any harm.  He has repeatedly expressed his love for special education kids, even publicly donating to the Special Olympics.  But whether his hyphy followers actually dislike those who actually "ride the short bus" is irrelevant; F.A.B.'s whole persona is built around a tasteless, immature bit of wordplay that re-enforces a separation from those who are mentally handicapped rather than embracing them as equals.

None of this is really ground-breaking, but I haven't actually SEEN anyone say it, so I'm saying it.  Shut the hell up about school buses, Mistah F.A.B.  Get a new gimmick.  And give Nelly his flow back.

"I'm like Shaq in Miami 'cuz I still bring the heat."

Explanation: Shaq won a title for the Miami Heat and Mistah F.A.B. has a gun ("heat").  That's about it.

Awkwardness of Line: This isn't extraordinarily bad for a F.A.B. line, so I suppose it shouldn't rank highly (lowly) in this category.  It's awkwardly constructed, but whatever.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This line doesn't make any sense.  It sounds innocuous (although uninteresting) at first, but it's so lazily put together that it becomes a non sequitar.  Shaq doesn't bring the Miami Heat, he's part of them.  It's a stupid line whose lack of creativity is enhanced by its poor construction.  0 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: On the one hand, when this song came out, Shaq did indeed play for the Miami Heat.  On the other, as I said, he didn't bring them anywhere.  If anything, they brought him places, like across the country to play the Sacramento Kings.  That's pretty much the last time you'll hear someone reference the Sacramento Kings this decade, so enjoy it.  1 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Uhhhhh.  I don't even know how to figure this out.  I guess Shaq was the Heat's star player at the time, except he totally wasn't and it was Dwyane Wade.  This is stupid.  0 of 5.

Of course, that dig at the Kings becomes irrelevant once Jimmer Fredette figures out the pro gam...HAHAHA just kidding.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 4 OUT OF 20

Lloyd Banks: "If You So Gangsta"

There are few more quintessential examples of the medium of punchline rap than the work of Lloyd Banks.  It's really him vs. Cassidy vs. Fablous for the title of most punchline-y of punchline rappers in the 20 years or so, although with Cassidy's more recent work (like B.A.R.S.) being uncharacteristic of his traditional flow and Funeral Fab having always strayed from being a pure punchline-r, Banks may have yet taken the crown.

As a punchline rapper, Banks excels in the very aspects of rap that differentiate it from "hip-hop" for people who use the words "rap" and "hip-hop" to mean "music that white people can also listen to" and "music that white people cannot also listen to," respectively:..wait.  Sorry, got a little carried away there.  Let's take a step back.  The tenets of punchline are as follows:

1) Lines must exist primarily in couplets.  Though deviation from this form is acceptable, the punchline rapper uses couplets in the same way Alexander Pope did: to satirize and to comment on in a manner which, by the expediency of its form, juxtaposes whimsy with an epigrammatic profundity.

Coincidentally, An Essay on Man was originally titled "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley."

2) A penchant for puns and quotables over story-telling and big picture statements is a must.

3) Multi-syllabic end rhymes.  There is no way to be a punchline rapper without this.

4) Always sound better on guest spots and mixtapes than on your own album.  This necessity for being a punchline rapper is also the ultimate downfall for all punchline rappers, since the inability to form a coherent album dooms them to remixes of other people's songs.

Lloyd Banks has had as much success as any punchline rapper could reasonably expect, but, even with his memorable flow, he'll likely always be relegated to C-list status due to his inability to grow beyond his form.  Which is okay because at least he's not Tony Yayo.

Oh shit, really?!  Where?!

"Now I got money bags as big as a pumpkin get / and pistol as long as the hand Shaq dunkin' with."


Explanation: I know the first part has nothing to do with the Shaq part, I just thought this was a perfect example of Banks' punchline flow.  Anyway, Banks has a lot of money and his gun is large.  Punchline rap is pretty self-explanatory.

Awkwardness of Line: None at all.  This is pretty much exactly how Lloyd Banks always sounds.  5 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This is actually kind of hard one to answer.  Hip-hop traditionalists (you know, people who think KRS-One the greatest MC of all-time) tend to discount punchline rap as empty, artless, and decidedly NOT clever.  However, we're in the 21st century and I think we all know better.  Great rap (or hip-hop or whatever) mixes punchlines with politics, clever wordplay with insightful story-telling.  Lloyd Banks doesn't really do that, but the rhymes here are decently clever.  3 of 5.

Appropriatenss of Line: As discussed previously, Shaq's hands (which seem to be of particular interest for the hip-hop community) are around 11 inches long.  An 11-inch pistol is pretty big, but it's certainly not unheard of.  I'd say there's a decent chance that Lloyd Banks does, in fave, have such a pistol.  5 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: When it comes to big hands, Shaq is near the very top in NBA history.  Insanely specific measurements like that haven't been kept forever, so I can't be sure, but it seems like the most prominent NBA players who had significantly larger hands than Shaq (as in one inch larger or more) are Julius Erving and...uh...Wayne Embry?  Anyway, good work by Banks here.  4 of 5.

Basketball or weird ballet? 

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 17 OF 20

Rakim: "Game of Death"

Ok, I'll admit it, this is sort of cheating.  This isn't actually a Rakim song, it's a Shaq song FEATURING Rakim, off of Shaq's third album.  As such, it's not really exceptionally notable that Ra mentions Shaq in this song, since he's rhyming alongside him.  Normally, I wouldn't count this.

But things are different for me and Rakim since I realized he was the greatest rapper of all time about a month ago.  I was going through his entire discography when I realized that he had never released a bad album.  Four records with Eric B. and three solo and the worst of them is probably Let the Rhythm Hit'Em, which still has, you know, the song "Let the Rhythm Hit'Em" on it.  It's an unprecedented run when you look back on it.  The Master released albums from 1987 to 2009.  His debut was Paid in Full, which I contend is the best album of the Golden Age.  His last album, The Seventh Seal, wasn't fantastic, but it was MILES ahead of the embarrassing late career albums of his Golden Age contemporaries like Biz Markie, Big Daddy Kane, Public Enemy, and the highly overrated KRS-One.  Rakim is one of rap's great lyricist and the fact that his discography is without a blemish puts him ahead of other top 10 MCs like 2pac (his early albums weren't very good and his posthumous stuff is INCREDIBLY hit or miss), Biggie (a surprising amount of filler for someone who only released two albums proper), Nas (do I need to explain?), Jay-Z (ditto), and even dark-horse candidates like Eminem (don't make me bring up the Encore period), Ghostface Killah (I like his "R&B" album, but I'm the only one), and Ice Cube (he's releasing mediocre material AS WE SPEAK).

That's not what I was talking about...

The point is that you can pick up any album which Rakim has released confidently knowing that it's not going to embarrass you to own it.  That may not sound like a stellar recommendation for the GOAT, but you literally can't say that about any other rapper that I can think of.

When I'm in flight, it make me and Shaq the same height.


Explanation: When Ra is "lifted" (either by the sublime experience of rapping or by smoking weed), it brings him a foot or so off the floor, making him and Shaq equal height.

Awkwardness of Line: I feel like I've said this a lot this week, but Rakim doesn't really spit that many awkward lines.  One of the things that separates top 50 MCs from Ja Rule is their ability to gloss over their weaker lines with either their flow, voice, or superior craftsmanship.  Rakim possesses all three of those traits in abundance, and he shows it on this song, which is genuinely pretty good even with Shaq on it.  So, not awkward, I mean.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: Rakim is extremely clever, but we're finding more and more that clever Shaq-related rhymes are few and far between.  This one isn't NOT clever, it just isn't clever, if you know what I mean.  Which, how could you?  3 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: Rakim is about 5'9 and Shaq, as previously documented, is 7'1, meaning the power of Ra's lyrical prowess and/or marijuana would have to raise him a little over a foot off the ground.  Rakim is the greatest rapper of all time, so I fully believe that this is possible.  Also, weed is a hell of a...no, wait.  For reference, the shortest rapper ever is Bushwick Bill, who comes in at around 3'8.  3 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: As I've said before, Shaq is nowhere near the tallest NBA player ever, so I usually dock points for references to his height.  However, this is a song about Shaq, so it would make no sense for Ra to reference anyone else and, being as the song is on Shaq's album, I feel like "Shaqness" can't really get much higher, right?  Also, I'm cheating so that Rakim will have a better score.  5 of 5.

Clear evidence that you have to have someone ELSE shoot you for it to make you into a millionaire.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 15 OUT OF 20

Biggie Smalls: "I Love the Dough"

Forever linked with West Coast rival 2pac, The Notorious B.I.G. is one of rap's most revered voices blah blah blah.  Look, we all know the good and bad about Biggie: he's one of the great storytellers, his voice is inimitable, he helped pioneer 2/3rds of the current rap culture, he really liked Coogi.  On the negative side of the scale, he had a depressingly limited discography, his lyricism isn't as refined as you have probably been led to believe, and he is at least partially responsible for Ma$e.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Pictured: Weakness.

While his booming voice is often juxtaposed with 2pac's manic delivery, Biggie's truer foil is probably not West Coast rap as much as it is Southern rap; he'd be more at home on a 2pac track (that happened!) than he would be spitting alongside groups like Outkast or Goodie Mob, and not just because of the time difference.  It's reductionist to split hip-hop into geographic categories, of course.  Even within one city, say Atlanta, the gap between Outkast and The Ying Yang Twins is as large as the gap between any two rap entities can be.  Still, that doesn't mean that these categories are inherently meaningless; there's a lot to be said for Biggie's place in rap as an iteration of Brooklyn hip-hop specifically and as an embodiment of the values of East Coast hip-hop more generally.  All that to say, I like Biggie and I don't think there's much to be accomplished by only talking about him in reference to 2pac (or vice versa) because they don't enhance understandings' of each other's work nearly as much as one would suspect given how often they're spoken of in that way.  I propose that we do away with the discussion entirely until someone has something original and worthwhile to say about it.  Lord knows it won't be me.

Although there's a surprisingly good chance that it will be D-Roc.

"Lost chips on Lakers, gassed off Shaq"

Explanation: Biggie bet that the Lakers would win, but, as they didn't, he lost some moolah.  Thus, Shaq, who was chiefly responsible for the Lakers' success or failure at the time when Biggie released this song, has him "gassed," or exhausted by his failure to make him money.

Awkwardness of Reference: This is probably the least awkward reference I've reviewed so far.  Biggie seamlessly weaves his gambling failures with descriptions of expensive meals and leisurely recreation.  Although I have no idea how one plays tennis while on horseback.  5 of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Aside from the somewhat obfuscate use of slang, there's nothing particularly clever about this line.  Even the rhymes with which it is connected are especially inspired.  2 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: During the 1996-1997 season, Shaq's first with the Lakers and the only NBA season with Shaq in gold and purple that Biggie would have witnessed, the Lakers won 56 games and made it to the second round of the NBA playoffs.  However, Shaq missed 30 games, so there were plenty of possibilities for Biggie to lose money because of him.  Since this was Shaq's only non-Kobe Lakers season, it's quite appropriate for Biggie to put the blame for a Lakers' loss on O'Neal.  5 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: As mentioned, at the time Biggie released this song, no other player could have really been as much at fault for a Lakers loss as Shaq.  Also, Nick Van Exel is hard to fit into any rhyme scheme.  5 of 5.

I have no idea what's going on in this picture.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 17 OUT OF 20 (New high score!)

Redman: "Rockafella"

When listing hip hop's most underrated MCs, Redman is...how do I say this?...often underrated.  Because the Funk Doctor gets more props than famous-for-being-underrated rappers like AZ and Big L, people mistakenly assume that he's getting his just due.  He isn't.  Redman is a top 25 MC (and probably top 15) who is usually treated with the same respect and admiration given to not-at-all peers like E-40, Scarface, and the guys from Mobb Deep.  If you go back and listen to Redman's entire discography, you'll find an intelligent, talented MC who you'll feel bad for not having though better of.

Redman was integral in my own maturation as a hip-hop head.  As an Eminem devotee, I was shocked when, in his infamous list of great MCs in "'Till I Collapse," he lists Redman first.  At that point, I only knew Red as the OTHER half of the tandem who made Blackout!, an inferior version of his partner, Method Man.  In fact, I didn't even know who Em was referring to when he said "Reggie."  At the time, I was basically a disciple of lyricism; if you weren't rhyming with intense internal and multi-syllabic rhymes, I didn't have much respect for you.  I loved Nas and didn't understand what the big deal was when it came to Biggie.  I couldn't stand anything from the West Coast prior to 1994.  Redman, who himself combines well-crafted lyricism with a one-of-a-kind flow and an infusion of funk, helped me to understand that there are more aspects of a MCing than just lyricism.  He also taught me how to roll a blunt because I'm white.

"Standin' tall like Shaq, / honey I'm back, this ain't Blue Chips."


Explanation: Redman will not back down from anyone, hence this use of the figurative phrase "standing tall," which makes him similar to the literally tall Shaquille O'Neal.  He has also returned from his musical absence since his last album, much like Shaq returned to a screen near you when you accidentally rented a copy of the Nick Nolte-lead sports film Blue Chips mistakenly thinking it was that Martin Lawrence movie where he pretends to be a cop.

No, not that one.

Awkwardness of Reference: How dare you.  Redman is never awkward.  Besides, the song has mad NBA references in it.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Doc's a pretty clever guy, but Shaq references are rarely a great vehicle for expressing that.  On the other hand, hey, Blue Chips reference.  3 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Shaq's pretty tall, I guess.  I don't fully understand the Blue Chips reference because I don't really like sports movies (other than The Mighty Ducks!), but I imagine it makes sense.  4 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: Shaq's not the only tall NBA player ever (no, really!), but he is one of the very few to be in Blue Chips.  Of course, Penny Hardaway was in that movie too, but no one wants to have think about Penny Hardaway's career these days.  3 of 5.

Of course I loved this show as a child.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 14 OUT OF 20

Snoop Dogg: "Pimp Slapp'd"

After spending last week talking about non-rappers and novelty acts, I've decided that this week's entries will only feature MCs who are top 50 all-time.  You know, just to clear our heads.

Snoop Dogg's place in rap is somewhat complicated.  His appearances on Dre's The Chronic combined with his debut album, Doggystyle, cemented his legacy as one of the West Coast's most original voices, but his career since then has been fairly unremarkable.  Though Snoop has a hit every two or three years, he hasn't really made any consistently good music since his first album, meaning that he has about two album's worth of decent material total (and that includes his wonderful but entirely superfluous redo of "La-Di-Da-Di", as well as my unfounded affection for "Batman & Robin").  Snoop has never been a particularly strong lyricist and, with an unconscionable 11 albums and 21 mixtapes to his credit (as well as several hundred features), few MCs can approach his vast collection of filler-rap.

And his filler-TV-show numbers are off the charts...

All that said, Snoop remains one of hip-hop's great hook-crafters and his style (though it devolved into parody after approximately two years) is one of rap's most recognizable.  Doggystyle is still a great record, maybe the West Coast Gangsta movement's finest achievement, and Snoop deserves lots of credit for helping to form the framework for West Coast rap in the early 90s.

One of Snoop's proudest moments is "Pimp Slapp'd," a diss record aimed at infamous Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight.  Though he's a bit of a punchline now (both literally and figuratively), Suge was rap's most feared man in the 90s, to the point where it was entirely conceivable (though not at all demonstrable) that he was linked to 2pac's murder.  By the time the 00s rolled around, Death Row was going bankrupt and people were a little less cautious about tossing Suge's name around.  Still, it wasn't until Snoop, a former Death Row member and person-whose-address-is-doubtlessly-in-Suge-Knight's-phone, released this diss track unscathed that the rap world realized that Suge was now harmless.

Also, Rick Ross cites Suge Knight as his fashion muse.

Okay, so some of that stuff I just made up.  I'm trying to form a narrative, people!  Regardless, "Pimp Slapp'd" is a fantastic song.  Here's our Shaq line:

"In the paint playin' post / I back ya down like Shaq-Daddy / and bust ya out your new Caddy."


Explanation: Like Shaq backing down a helpless defender in the post, Snoop uses his strength and superior masculinity to overwhelm Suge, allowing him to force him out of his newly-purchased Cadillac automobile via gunfire.  I think?

Awkwardness of Line: One of Snoop's great strengths is that, due to his ultra-smooth delivery, none of his lines ever sound awkward, even though they almost always are.  That's how he's gotten away with all of those terrible songs over the years.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: One of Snoop's great weakness is that he's never been a particularly clever lyricist.  This line is no exception, although I like that he called Shaq "Shaq-Daddy," adding to the interminable list of Shaq nicknames that already ranges from Superman to Diesel to The Big Aristotle to Kazaam.  Just kidding.  2 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: With Suge nearing bankruptcy and cultural irrelevance, it wouldn't seem unfair to say that he could be muscled around by a pop icon like Snoop, even as Snoop's own relevance has waned in the 00s.  Which is to say that this line would be quite appropriate if it didn't also assume that the poverty-stricken Suge owned a new Cadillac, which he likely couldn't have afforded.  3 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Though all post players engage in the acting of backing their opponent down, few were ever as effective at it as Shaq in his prime.  At the peak of his powers, Shaq could move the toughest defender wherever he wanted on the court due to his extreme size and strength.  3 of 5.

Regular-sized Aristotle, for comparison.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 12 OUT OF 20

Lil' Bow Wow: "Get Up"

The early-00s was an interesting time for rap.  All kinds of exciting new rappers were emerging, future top 25 MCs were solidifying their legacies, and many new trends were being birthed, none more pause-worthy than the sudden fascination with child rappers.  For the record, the only good child rapper ever has been Shyheim and I only say that because I'm Wu Tang for life, word is bond.  Lil' Bow Wow was this questionable trend's most successful product, going double platinum at the age 13, starring in a bunch of terrible movies, and making his own song about basketball which, despite being just no good at all, managed to be very popular and have Professional Rapper Fabolous on it.

Just because you can't be tried as an adult doesn't mean you can make terrible movies with impunity, kid.

Despite those credentials, Lil' Bow Wow totally sucks in every way, and his attempts to be taken seriously by removing the "Lil'" from his name have done nothing to modify that ineffable truth.  "Get Up," off of his second album (confusingly titled Doggy Bag) is a fine example of Lil' Bow Wow at his wackest, claiming that no one has a track record like he does or stacks paper in the same manner and generally making a convincing argument that he is to rap what Rebecca Black is to pop.

Seriously, in what way are his music videos any less embarrassing and terrible than "Friday"?

"Don't step in my rim. / I'm like Shaq, young man, don't step in my gym."

Explanation: I have no idea what the bit about the rim means (although he does sit on top of a basketball rim in the video for "Basketball" if I remember correctly, so maybe he means it literally?"), but he's basically just saying that you can't step in his area due to how fresh he is or something.

Awkwardness of Reference: I never know if it's fair to penalize perpetually awkward rappers for lines which are characteristic of their overall ineptness.  Yes, this is an awful and clumsy bit of rhyming, but not extraordinarily so by Lil' Bow Wow standards and certainly not the nadir of the song.  So should it get a decent rating based on a graded Lil' Bow Wow curve or should it be judged against the rich history of hip-hop NOT made by talentless adolescents?  I still haven't decided, so this one gets a 2 of 5 because the line still sucks, yo.

Cleverness of Reference: Same struggle here, but I'm more willing to be harsh with this one.  Terrible lines by terrible rappers are sometimes less-than-awkward because they don't have that "out of place" vibe that really makes a bad line awkward, but not-clever is just not-clever.  And this line is not clever. 1 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Ultimately, Shaq probably wouldn't want you hanging around in his gym, since he was, at the time of this song's composition, a professional basketball player, so this line would score pretty highly in this category if it wasn't for the fact that a 15 year-old just called me "young man."  Shut the hell up, Lil' Bow Wow.  0 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: This line could literally apply to any professional basketball player and, since Lil' Bow Wow's film Like Mike features nearly twenty NBA players (from Gary Payton to Chris Webber to Desmond Mason to REGGIE THEUS) and Shaq is not among them, I can't imagine why LBB decided to make Diesel his NBA shout-out.  1 of 5.

This is probably why Kidd never won a title with the Nets...

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 4 OUT OF 20

Maino: "I'm About Cream"

Maino is the guy who did the song "All the Above."  That's literally all you or anyone else knows about him, which is perfectly okay because he's mediocre in every way.

This is usually the part where I go off on some sort of sort-of related topic, gracing everyone with my brilliance and wit.  But I don't really know anything about Maino except for that he did the song "All the Above," which isn't very good but makes for a nice soundtrack to basketball highlight mixes on Youtube.

Also, I'm pretty sure that in this song he says that for the right price he'd "be in my house like dog gas."  The Internet refuses to reveal what the actual line is, so I'm just gonna assume he said "dog gas."  It would be the most interesting thing about him.

As an owner of two dogs, I can tell you that canine flatulence is no laughing matter.

"I feel 8 feet tall, man.  I'm Shaq O'Neal."


Explanation: I think you can do your own exegetical work here.


Awkwardness of Line: Maino is boring, but he isn't particularly awkward, here or anywhere else.  So, whatever, I guess it's not awkward.  This post sucks.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: The line itself isn't really that clever, but he does rhyme "Shaq O'Neal" with "Batmobile," which is kind of dope.  3 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: Shaq is about 7'1, according to all of the best sources (Wikipedia and Yahoo Answers).  So, obviously, if Maino was 8 feet tall, he wouldn't be Shaq.  Basketball players who were actually 8 feet tall include Libyan national player Suleiman Ali Nashnush and Soviet national player Alexander Sizoneko.  Obviously, being that tall is not really an advantage and both men suffered the kind of health problems you'd expect from human beings who were 8 feet tall.  Also, rhyming their last names would be HELL.  1 out of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Shaq is nowhere near the tallest NBA player in history, being out-talled by players from Manute Bol to the notorious Shawn Bradley to, of course, Yao Ming.  All of these players are closer to eight feet than Shaq, so this line is a huge fail in that regard.  0 of 5.

Say what you want about him, but Shawn Bradley was in  Space Jam and you weren't.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 7 OUT OF 20

John Cena: "Don't F With Us"

I'm not ashamed to admit that John Cena is a little after my time as a pro wrestling fan.  You're probably thinking to yourself that I should be ashamed to have "pro wrestling fan" on my One-Time Accurate Epithets resume at all, but I don't regret a second of my near-six year obsession with pro wrestling which lasted from WCW's Fall Brawl in 1997 to somewhere around Wrestlemania 19, except for that one time I left a Monday Night Raw early and missed the chance to see a WWF World Heavyweight Title change hands in person.  Ugh.  Haunted me for years.

Damn you, Stone Cold.

From what I remember having caught the very, very beginning of Cena's career, he's a wrestler who's also a very mediocre rapper.  And that's pretty much his gimmick, as far as I know.  Wrestling doesn't have to be complicated, folks.  It doesn't always have to be "Triple H bringing up the time Kane had sex with a dead woman by filming a video of him pretending to be Kane having sex with a dead woman."  This happened.  And then I continued to watch wrestling for another 3 years.

Leave it to the Internet to bring this revolting memory from my late adolescence to your computer screen.  Maybe we should vote for SOPA.

Regardless of the WWF/WWE's sordid history of visual necrophilia puns (or maybe BECAUSE OF IT?!?!), John Cena has become pretty popular I hear.  Popular enough for me to see his likeness on kid's sized t-shirts at Walmart and for him to pop-up in non-wrestling commercials from time to time.  I imagine part of his popularity has to do with wrestling's mostly white, middle-class fan base because the white middle class loves rap, and, since John Cena isn't a real rapper but rather a caricature of one, he is palatable to even the most hardcore rap hater.  You know, like Curt Hennig.

I promise, that's the last obscure wrestling reference of this entry.  Maybe.

In 2005, John Cena came out with a rap album on the heels of his success as a pretend rapper.  In an act of total justice and respect for the hard work and lifelong dedication that it takes to be a successful MC, America shunned the novelty r...wait, no, it debuted at #15 on the Billboard 200, making it three times as successful as any of Big L's albums.  Sigh.  The following line is from the song "Don't F With Us":

"Shoes on the whip that be bigger than Shaq's feet."

Explanation: The rims (shoes) on John Cena's car (whip) are larger than those which Shaq wears.

Awkwardness of Line: Honestly, Cena's album doesn't contain a lot of awkward lines.  The raps in it are so generic that they could have been manufactured from a Lloyd Banks Mad Lib, but they aren't awkward.  Just boring.  So, so boring.  At least that's better than being terrible, right?  3 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: Shaq's feet are about 15 inches long.  The most modest of rapper rims are 20 inches, although these days that's poor-man stuff.  Still, that's a pretty sizable gap, so it's not really that impressive that Cena's rims are bigger than Shaq's feet.  After all, that could still be true if he had 16s! 2 out of 5.

Cleverness of Line: What Cena's album lacks in head-shaking awfulness, it more than makes up for in the total and complete absence of artfulness, talent, or cleverness.  This line (and all of the others on the album, really) display a level of rap skill which one can only describe as Kinkadeian.  Cena can rhyme multi-syllabically, but he can't make me care about it.  1 out of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Though Shaq does indeed have famously large feet, anyone from Yao Ming to George Mikan could have been used here.  Nothing especially Shaq-ish about it.  1 out of 5.

This painting is called "A Peaceful Retreat," which sounds an awful lot like Thomas Kinkade trying to bait people into making fun of him.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 7 OUT OF 20

Missy Elliott: "Wake Up"

It is my contention that Missy Elliott represents Lady Gaga's future.  This may seem a bit crazy right now with Missy more than six years removed from cultural relevance and Lady Gaga at the top of the pop game and the winner of five (five?) Grammys.  And, I'll admit, Lady Gaga has gone higher than Missy ever did, even at her peak.  But the shoe still fits.  Both are artists who ultimately have no demonstrably extraordinary music-related talent: neither can sing, neither can rap, and both are decent but not world-changing dancers.  Both gained their popularity due mostly to the one-two punch of excellent production/hook-writing and time-stoppingly wonderful music videos.

Yes, those are tiny back-up dancers on the top of that building.

Though both are timeless in their own ways (neither Missy's old school swag nor Lady Gaga's meat dress will be any more or less out of place in twenty years than they were in their prime), neither will make a lasting imprint on American music.  Yes, Missy came out with some awesome club songs and spit to some of the best beats of Timbaland's career.  But it's 2012 and you probably haven't heard Missy's name since...what?...2005?  It's going to be the same with Lady Gaga in 2020 because, at the end of the day, neither she nor Missy have any talents to carry them once the well of catchy hooks has dried up.  Of course, it's possible that the well will never dry up for Lady Gaga, just like it's possible that Missy will make a huge comeback with her next album, due out in 2012.  But I wouldn't count on it.

Anyway, here's the line, from the song "Wake Up," which came out back when Missy was hot enough to get a Hova feature on one of her tracks:

"Hip-Hop, be my life-saver / like Kobe and Shaq if they left the Lakers."


Um.  What?

Awkwardness of Reference: Look.  I didn't try to explain this line for a reason.  Not only is it, like most Missy lines, awkward in composition, it simply doesn't make any sense.  Kobe and Shaq would not be life-savers if they left the Lakers, unless they went to med school.  They would be hurting the Lakers.  Because they were the marquee players for that team at the time.  I have no idea what Missy's talking about, but she doesn't have a smooth enough flow to disguise the fact that this is a terrible, incoherent line.  0 out of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: I briefly tried to convince myself that I simply didn't understand the simile Missy was trying to employ here.  Then I realized that no one understands it because it's a non sequitar.  0 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Of all of the categories, this may be the one which this awful line least fits in.  This line is NOT appropriate.  It's the exact opposite of appropriate.  0 out of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: Well...um.  Technically, if you were going to mention Lakers in the early 00s, Kobe and Shaq were the ones to name-drop.  So that's there.  On the other hand, Shaq doesn't make sense in this line, so the reference would be more befitting another player who played for the Lakers at the time but was terrible, like Maurice Carter.  We'll compromise.  2.5 out of 5.

This is the only picture of Maurice Carter on the Internet.  I considered just using a picture of Trevor Ariza because I knew you wouldn't notice.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 2.5 OUT OF 5

Kuniva: "Get My Gun"

Confession: D12 used to be my favorite rap group.  I even owned an eBay-purchased D12 chain, complete with fake diamonds.  I wore it to school, but I tucked it in the hallways because I didn't want to get beaten up by black people who thought I was mocking their culture.  Racism was easier to justify when I was 16.

Yeah, it looked just like that.

I've since come to realize that D12 isn't the most talented group of lyricists the rap gods ever assembled, but my fondness for them remains, to the point where I've listened to all of Bizarre's albums in their entirety.  Cole world.

Of the members of D12's most recent incarnation (including Proof but minus Bugz), Kuniva is the 4th best rapper, ranking behind Eminem, Proof, and Kon Artis.  Sure, the group only includes six members, but at least he's better than Swifty McVay, right?

He really isn't demonstrably better than Swifty McVay.

Anyway, the song "Get My Gun" appears on D12's second album, D12 World.  Here's Kuniva's line:

"You keep shooting at me and missing like Shaq's free-throws."

Explanation: Nothing too confusing here.  Shaq is a notoriously poor free throw shooter, and, apparently, Kuniva's assailants are equally poor at shooting him, much like anyone who has ever shot at James Bond ever.

More like "Agent Who Barely Needs to Move to Escape Gunfire."  Am I right?

Awkwardness of Reference: This one comes pretty much out of nowhere, to the point where it seemed like Kuniva realized he had never referenced Shaq and squeezed it in at the last moment.  2 out of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Though it does rhyme multi-syllabically with the lines which precedes it, this line is not very clever at all.  Learning the difference between rappers who can compose multi-syllabic rhymes frequently and rappers who can compose good multi-syllabic rhymes frequently is the first step in recovering from D12 being your favorite rap group.  2 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Statistically, Shaq shot slightly better than 50% from the free-throw line.  While that's pretty terrible by basketball standards, 50% is pretty good by shooting-at-people standards.  If you were being shot at, I think you'd want better odds of avoiding being hit than that.  1 out of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: No one--NO ONE--in NBA history is as famous for his poor free-throw shooting as Shaq.  Though he never came close to Ben Wallace's unfathomable .418, Shaq missed enough free-throws to be the go-to reference for lack of focus and fundamentals at the charity stripe.  4 out of 5.

Wallace stuffing Shaq's dunk remains one of the best playoff blocks in NBA history.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 9 OUT OF 20

Nas: "It Ain't Hard to Tell"

Depending on who you listen to, Nas' debut album Illmatic is either the number one or number two rap album of all-time, swapping spots on different lists with Public Enemy's It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.  To me, listening to it makes me feel a lot like I felt while watching Orson Welles' Citizen Kane; at no point during the process did I say to myself "This is the epitome of what this particular artform should be," but both Welles' film and Nas' album are essentially flawless ,and, until something better comes along, I can't rank anything higher in their respective categories.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about Nas, whose up-and-down career has been dissected by anyone and everyone with a voice and a love for hip-hop.  Suffice to say, Illmatic is the best rap album ever made, several of his later albums were very good and several were extremely boring, and he's doing important work now with his untitled album (which I consider to be his second-best) and songs like "Nasty."  Every once in a while you'll hear someone gush over a new Nas song and say things like "the King of New York is back!", but it's never the song you liked the most off that album.  I think everyone wants something different from Nas.  Illmatic suceeds as a hip-hop record on so many different levels that there's no way for Nas to please everyone who liked it at the same time without making the same record again.  To put myself out there, I worship at the altar of the great lyricists, idolizing Big Daddy Kane, Rakim, Big L, GZA, Big Pun, Eminem, late-Canibus, early Jay-Z, and the like.  Nas is on that list too (along with your favorite lyricist, who I shamefully forgot to include), and "It Ain't Hard to Tell" is a good example of why.

So, let's look at the line itself:

"I kick a skill like Shaquille holds a pill."

What?

Explanation: Nas compares his effortless ability to murder flows to Shaq's effortless handling of a basketball ("pill").  With an 11-inch hand...span?...Shaq holds a basketball like you hold a golf ball.  It's supposedly the major reason he can't shoot free throws (aside from his total indifference to improving his FT percentage, that is).

And now, let's rank Nas' line using totally arbitrary criteria!

Awkwardness of Reference: In a song that also shouts-out Medusa and the Iron Sheik, Nas' self-comparison to Shaq seems almost too normal.  4 out of 5 (in non-awkwardness...I guess it's a reverse scale?)

Cleverness of Refence: Illmatic is nothing if not extraordinarily clever.  This line, though, isn't particularly indicative of that, although Nas gets props for internally rhyming Shaq's real first name.  3 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: As I already pointed out, Nas is talking about how effortlessly Shaq holds a basketball.  Makes total sense.  5 out of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: Yes, Shaq is well known for his size.  But this line could have easily been spoken about any number of over-sized NBA centers.  In order to score high points in Shaqness, a reference must be specifically applicable to Shaq and Shaq alone.  2 out of 5.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE:  14 OUT OF 20