Kuniva: "Get My Gun"

Confession: D12 used to be my favorite rap group.  I even owned an eBay-purchased D12 chain, complete with fake diamonds.  I wore it to school, but I tucked it in the hallways because I didn't want to get beaten up by black people who thought I was mocking their culture.  Racism was easier to justify when I was 16.

Yeah, it looked just like that.

I've since come to realize that D12 isn't the most talented group of lyricists the rap gods ever assembled, but my fondness for them remains, to the point where I've listened to all of Bizarre's albums in their entirety.  Cole world.

Of the members of D12's most recent incarnation (including Proof but minus Bugz), Kuniva is the 4th best rapper, ranking behind Eminem, Proof, and Kon Artis.  Sure, the group only includes six members, but at least he's better than Swifty McVay, right?

He really isn't demonstrably better than Swifty McVay.

Anyway, the song "Get My Gun" appears on D12's second album, D12 World.  Here's Kuniva's line:

"You keep shooting at me and missing like Shaq's free-throws."

Explanation: Nothing too confusing here.  Shaq is a notoriously poor free throw shooter, and, apparently, Kuniva's assailants are equally poor at shooting him, much like anyone who has ever shot at James Bond ever.

More like "Agent Who Barely Needs to Move to Escape Gunfire."  Am I right?

Awkwardness of Reference: This one comes pretty much out of nowhere, to the point where it seemed like Kuniva realized he had never referenced Shaq and squeezed it in at the last moment.  2 out of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Though it does rhyme multi-syllabically with the lines which precedes it, this line is not very clever at all.  Learning the difference between rappers who can compose multi-syllabic rhymes frequently and rappers who can compose good multi-syllabic rhymes frequently is the first step in recovering from D12 being your favorite rap group.  2 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Statistically, Shaq shot slightly better than 50% from the free-throw line.  While that's pretty terrible by basketball standards, 50% is pretty good by shooting-at-people standards.  If you were being shot at, I think you'd want better odds of avoiding being hit than that.  1 out of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: No one--NO ONE--in NBA history is as famous for his poor free-throw shooting as Shaq.  Though he never came close to Ben Wallace's unfathomable .418, Shaq missed enough free-throws to be the go-to reference for lack of focus and fundamentals at the charity stripe.  4 out of 5.

Wallace stuffing Shaq's dunk remains one of the best playoff blocks in NBA history.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 9 OUT OF 20