Mistah F.A.B.: "Slappin' in the Trunk"

I don't really have a lot to say about Mistah F.A.B.  He's an okay rapper who has stupid jewelry and a really terrible name acronym ("Money Is Something To Always Have--FaEva Afta Bread").  He really isn't particularly remarkable in any sense of the word, except for the fact that he apparently  thinks it's cool to make fun of special education children.

Okay, that's not entirely true.  Mistah F.A.B. has a "short bus" charm, repeatedly tells his hyphy followers to "go retarded" and "ride the short yellow bus," and is releasing an album called Da Yellow Bus Rydah next year.  The idea is that F.A.B. is linking the figurative expression "go stupid" (which is an imprecation to listeners to dance with abandon to a track) with the literal lowered intelligence present in those children who must unfortunately receive special education.

Also, he titled his first album Nig-Latin, which is inexcusable in itself.

Let it be known that F.A.B. doesn't think he's doing any harm.  He has repeatedly expressed his love for special education kids, even publicly donating to the Special Olympics.  But whether his hyphy followers actually dislike those who actually "ride the short bus" is irrelevant; F.A.B.'s whole persona is built around a tasteless, immature bit of wordplay that re-enforces a separation from those who are mentally handicapped rather than embracing them as equals.

None of this is really ground-breaking, but I haven't actually SEEN anyone say it, so I'm saying it.  Shut the hell up about school buses, Mistah F.A.B.  Get a new gimmick.  And give Nelly his flow back.

"I'm like Shaq in Miami 'cuz I still bring the heat."

Explanation: Shaq won a title for the Miami Heat and Mistah F.A.B. has a gun ("heat").  That's about it.

Awkwardness of Line: This isn't extraordinarily bad for a F.A.B. line, so I suppose it shouldn't rank highly (lowly) in this category.  It's awkwardly constructed, but whatever.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This line doesn't make any sense.  It sounds innocuous (although uninteresting) at first, but it's so lazily put together that it becomes a non sequitar.  Shaq doesn't bring the Miami Heat, he's part of them.  It's a stupid line whose lack of creativity is enhanced by its poor construction.  0 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: On the one hand, when this song came out, Shaq did indeed play for the Miami Heat.  On the other, as I said, he didn't bring them anywhere.  If anything, they brought him places, like across the country to play the Sacramento Kings.  That's pretty much the last time you'll hear someone reference the Sacramento Kings this decade, so enjoy it.  1 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Uhhhhh.  I don't even know how to figure this out.  I guess Shaq was the Heat's star player at the time, except he totally wasn't and it was Dwyane Wade.  This is stupid.  0 of 5.

Of course, that dig at the Kings becomes irrelevant once Jimmer Fredette figures out the pro gam...HAHAHA just kidding.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 4 OUT OF 20