Maino: "I'm About Cream"

Maino is the guy who did the song "All the Above."  That's literally all you or anyone else knows about him, which is perfectly okay because he's mediocre in every way.

This is usually the part where I go off on some sort of sort-of related topic, gracing everyone with my brilliance and wit.  But I don't really know anything about Maino except for that he did the song "All the Above," which isn't very good but makes for a nice soundtrack to basketball highlight mixes on Youtube.

Also, I'm pretty sure that in this song he says that for the right price he'd "be in my house like dog gas."  The Internet refuses to reveal what the actual line is, so I'm just gonna assume he said "dog gas."  It would be the most interesting thing about him.

As an owner of two dogs, I can tell you that canine flatulence is no laughing matter.

"I feel 8 feet tall, man.  I'm Shaq O'Neal."


Explanation: I think you can do your own exegetical work here.


Awkwardness of Line: Maino is boring, but he isn't particularly awkward, here or anywhere else.  So, whatever, I guess it's not awkward.  This post sucks.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: The line itself isn't really that clever, but he does rhyme "Shaq O'Neal" with "Batmobile," which is kind of dope.  3 out of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: Shaq is about 7'1, according to all of the best sources (Wikipedia and Yahoo Answers).  So, obviously, if Maino was 8 feet tall, he wouldn't be Shaq.  Basketball players who were actually 8 feet tall include Libyan national player Suleiman Ali Nashnush and Soviet national player Alexander Sizoneko.  Obviously, being that tall is not really an advantage and both men suffered the kind of health problems you'd expect from human beings who were 8 feet tall.  Also, rhyming their last names would be HELL.  1 out of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Shaq is nowhere near the tallest NBA player in history, being out-talled by players from Manute Bol to the notorious Shawn Bradley to, of course, Yao Ming.  All of these players are closer to eight feet than Shaq, so this line is a huge fail in that regard.  0 of 5.

Say what you want about him, but Shawn Bradley was in  Space Jam and you weren't.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 7 OUT OF 20