Mistah F.A.B.: "Slappin' in the Trunk"

I don't really have a lot to say about Mistah F.A.B.  He's an okay rapper who has stupid jewelry and a really terrible name acronym ("Money Is Something To Always Have--FaEva Afta Bread").  He really isn't particularly remarkable in any sense of the word, except for the fact that he apparently  thinks it's cool to make fun of special education children.

Okay, that's not entirely true.  Mistah F.A.B. has a "short bus" charm, repeatedly tells his hyphy followers to "go retarded" and "ride the short yellow bus," and is releasing an album called Da Yellow Bus Rydah next year.  The idea is that F.A.B. is linking the figurative expression "go stupid" (which is an imprecation to listeners to dance with abandon to a track) with the literal lowered intelligence present in those children who must unfortunately receive special education.

Also, he titled his first album Nig-Latin, which is inexcusable in itself.

Let it be known that F.A.B. doesn't think he's doing any harm.  He has repeatedly expressed his love for special education kids, even publicly donating to the Special Olympics.  But whether his hyphy followers actually dislike those who actually "ride the short bus" is irrelevant; F.A.B.'s whole persona is built around a tasteless, immature bit of wordplay that re-enforces a separation from those who are mentally handicapped rather than embracing them as equals.

None of this is really ground-breaking, but I haven't actually SEEN anyone say it, so I'm saying it.  Shut the hell up about school buses, Mistah F.A.B.  Get a new gimmick.  And give Nelly his flow back.

"I'm like Shaq in Miami 'cuz I still bring the heat."

Explanation: Shaq won a title for the Miami Heat and Mistah F.A.B. has a gun ("heat").  That's about it.

Awkwardness of Line: This isn't extraordinarily bad for a F.A.B. line, so I suppose it shouldn't rank highly (lowly) in this category.  It's awkwardly constructed, but whatever.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This line doesn't make any sense.  It sounds innocuous (although uninteresting) at first, but it's so lazily put together that it becomes a non sequitar.  Shaq doesn't bring the Miami Heat, he's part of them.  It's a stupid line whose lack of creativity is enhanced by its poor construction.  0 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: On the one hand, when this song came out, Shaq did indeed play for the Miami Heat.  On the other, as I said, he didn't bring them anywhere.  If anything, they brought him places, like across the country to play the Sacramento Kings.  That's pretty much the last time you'll hear someone reference the Sacramento Kings this decade, so enjoy it.  1 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Uhhhhh.  I don't even know how to figure this out.  I guess Shaq was the Heat's star player at the time, except he totally wasn't and it was Dwyane Wade.  This is stupid.  0 of 5.

Of course, that dig at the Kings becomes irrelevant once Jimmer Fredette figures out the pro gam...HAHAHA just kidding.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 4 OUT OF 20

Lloyd Banks: "If You So Gangsta"

There are few more quintessential examples of the medium of punchline rap than the work of Lloyd Banks.  It's really him vs. Cassidy vs. Fablous for the title of most punchline-y of punchline rappers in the 20 years or so, although with Cassidy's more recent work (like B.A.R.S.) being uncharacteristic of his traditional flow and Funeral Fab having always strayed from being a pure punchline-r, Banks may have yet taken the crown.

As a punchline rapper, Banks excels in the very aspects of rap that differentiate it from "hip-hop" for people who use the words "rap" and "hip-hop" to mean "music that white people can also listen to" and "music that white people cannot also listen to," respectively:..wait.  Sorry, got a little carried away there.  Let's take a step back.  The tenets of punchline are as follows:

1) Lines must exist primarily in couplets.  Though deviation from this form is acceptable, the punchline rapper uses couplets in the same way Alexander Pope did: to satirize and to comment on in a manner which, by the expediency of its form, juxtaposes whimsy with an epigrammatic profundity.

Coincidentally, An Essay on Man was originally titled "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley."

2) A penchant for puns and quotables over story-telling and big picture statements is a must.

3) Multi-syllabic end rhymes.  There is no way to be a punchline rapper without this.

4) Always sound better on guest spots and mixtapes than on your own album.  This necessity for being a punchline rapper is also the ultimate downfall for all punchline rappers, since the inability to form a coherent album dooms them to remixes of other people's songs.

Lloyd Banks has had as much success as any punchline rapper could reasonably expect, but, even with his memorable flow, he'll likely always be relegated to C-list status due to his inability to grow beyond his form.  Which is okay because at least he's not Tony Yayo.

Oh shit, really?!  Where?!

"Now I got money bags as big as a pumpkin get / and pistol as long as the hand Shaq dunkin' with."


Explanation: I know the first part has nothing to do with the Shaq part, I just thought this was a perfect example of Banks' punchline flow.  Anyway, Banks has a lot of money and his gun is large.  Punchline rap is pretty self-explanatory.

Awkwardness of Line: None at all.  This is pretty much exactly how Lloyd Banks always sounds.  5 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This is actually kind of hard one to answer.  Hip-hop traditionalists (you know, people who think KRS-One the greatest MC of all-time) tend to discount punchline rap as empty, artless, and decidedly NOT clever.  However, we're in the 21st century and I think we all know better.  Great rap (or hip-hop or whatever) mixes punchlines with politics, clever wordplay with insightful story-telling.  Lloyd Banks doesn't really do that, but the rhymes here are decently clever.  3 of 5.

Appropriatenss of Line: As discussed previously, Shaq's hands (which seem to be of particular interest for the hip-hop community) are around 11 inches long.  An 11-inch pistol is pretty big, but it's certainly not unheard of.  I'd say there's a decent chance that Lloyd Banks does, in fave, have such a pistol.  5 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: When it comes to big hands, Shaq is near the very top in NBA history.  Insanely specific measurements like that haven't been kept forever, so I can't be sure, but it seems like the most prominent NBA players who had significantly larger hands than Shaq (as in one inch larger or more) are Julius Erving and...uh...Wayne Embry?  Anyway, good work by Banks here.  4 of 5.

Basketball or weird ballet? 

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 17 OF 20

Rakim: "Game of Death"

Ok, I'll admit it, this is sort of cheating.  This isn't actually a Rakim song, it's a Shaq song FEATURING Rakim, off of Shaq's third album.  As such, it's not really exceptionally notable that Ra mentions Shaq in this song, since he's rhyming alongside him.  Normally, I wouldn't count this.

But things are different for me and Rakim since I realized he was the greatest rapper of all time about a month ago.  I was going through his entire discography when I realized that he had never released a bad album.  Four records with Eric B. and three solo and the worst of them is probably Let the Rhythm Hit'Em, which still has, you know, the song "Let the Rhythm Hit'Em" on it.  It's an unprecedented run when you look back on it.  The Master released albums from 1987 to 2009.  His debut was Paid in Full, which I contend is the best album of the Golden Age.  His last album, The Seventh Seal, wasn't fantastic, but it was MILES ahead of the embarrassing late career albums of his Golden Age contemporaries like Biz Markie, Big Daddy Kane, Public Enemy, and the highly overrated KRS-One.  Rakim is one of rap's great lyricist and the fact that his discography is without a blemish puts him ahead of other top 10 MCs like 2pac (his early albums weren't very good and his posthumous stuff is INCREDIBLY hit or miss), Biggie (a surprising amount of filler for someone who only released two albums proper), Nas (do I need to explain?), Jay-Z (ditto), and even dark-horse candidates like Eminem (don't make me bring up the Encore period), Ghostface Killah (I like his "R&B" album, but I'm the only one), and Ice Cube (he's releasing mediocre material AS WE SPEAK).

That's not what I was talking about...

The point is that you can pick up any album which Rakim has released confidently knowing that it's not going to embarrass you to own it.  That may not sound like a stellar recommendation for the GOAT, but you literally can't say that about any other rapper that I can think of.

When I'm in flight, it make me and Shaq the same height.


Explanation: When Ra is "lifted" (either by the sublime experience of rapping or by smoking weed), it brings him a foot or so off the floor, making him and Shaq equal height.

Awkwardness of Line: I feel like I've said this a lot this week, but Rakim doesn't really spit that many awkward lines.  One of the things that separates top 50 MCs from Ja Rule is their ability to gloss over their weaker lines with either their flow, voice, or superior craftsmanship.  Rakim possesses all three of those traits in abundance, and he shows it on this song, which is genuinely pretty good even with Shaq on it.  So, not awkward, I mean.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: Rakim is extremely clever, but we're finding more and more that clever Shaq-related rhymes are few and far between.  This one isn't NOT clever, it just isn't clever, if you know what I mean.  Which, how could you?  3 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: Rakim is about 5'9 and Shaq, as previously documented, is 7'1, meaning the power of Ra's lyrical prowess and/or marijuana would have to raise him a little over a foot off the ground.  Rakim is the greatest rapper of all time, so I fully believe that this is possible.  Also, weed is a hell of a...no, wait.  For reference, the shortest rapper ever is Bushwick Bill, who comes in at around 3'8.  3 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: As I've said before, Shaq is nowhere near the tallest NBA player ever, so I usually dock points for references to his height.  However, this is a song about Shaq, so it would make no sense for Ra to reference anyone else and, being as the song is on Shaq's album, I feel like "Shaqness" can't really get much higher, right?  Also, I'm cheating so that Rakim will have a better score.  5 of 5.

Clear evidence that you have to have someone ELSE shoot you for it to make you into a millionaire.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 15 OUT OF 20

Biggie Smalls: "I Love the Dough"

Forever linked with West Coast rival 2pac, The Notorious B.I.G. is one of rap's most revered voices blah blah blah.  Look, we all know the good and bad about Biggie: he's one of the great storytellers, his voice is inimitable, he helped pioneer 2/3rds of the current rap culture, he really liked Coogi.  On the negative side of the scale, he had a depressingly limited discography, his lyricism isn't as refined as you have probably been led to believe, and he is at least partially responsible for Ma$e.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Pictured: Weakness.

While his booming voice is often juxtaposed with 2pac's manic delivery, Biggie's truer foil is probably not West Coast rap as much as it is Southern rap; he'd be more at home on a 2pac track (that happened!) than he would be spitting alongside groups like Outkast or Goodie Mob, and not just because of the time difference.  It's reductionist to split hip-hop into geographic categories, of course.  Even within one city, say Atlanta, the gap between Outkast and The Ying Yang Twins is as large as the gap between any two rap entities can be.  Still, that doesn't mean that these categories are inherently meaningless; there's a lot to be said for Biggie's place in rap as an iteration of Brooklyn hip-hop specifically and as an embodiment of the values of East Coast hip-hop more generally.  All that to say, I like Biggie and I don't think there's much to be accomplished by only talking about him in reference to 2pac (or vice versa) because they don't enhance understandings' of each other's work nearly as much as one would suspect given how often they're spoken of in that way.  I propose that we do away with the discussion entirely until someone has something original and worthwhile to say about it.  Lord knows it won't be me.

Although there's a surprisingly good chance that it will be D-Roc.

"Lost chips on Lakers, gassed off Shaq"

Explanation: Biggie bet that the Lakers would win, but, as they didn't, he lost some moolah.  Thus, Shaq, who was chiefly responsible for the Lakers' success or failure at the time when Biggie released this song, has him "gassed," or exhausted by his failure to make him money.

Awkwardness of Reference: This is probably the least awkward reference I've reviewed so far.  Biggie seamlessly weaves his gambling failures with descriptions of expensive meals and leisurely recreation.  Although I have no idea how one plays tennis while on horseback.  5 of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Aside from the somewhat obfuscate use of slang, there's nothing particularly clever about this line.  Even the rhymes with which it is connected are especially inspired.  2 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: During the 1996-1997 season, Shaq's first with the Lakers and the only NBA season with Shaq in gold and purple that Biggie would have witnessed, the Lakers won 56 games and made it to the second round of the NBA playoffs.  However, Shaq missed 30 games, so there were plenty of possibilities for Biggie to lose money because of him.  Since this was Shaq's only non-Kobe Lakers season, it's quite appropriate for Biggie to put the blame for a Lakers' loss on O'Neal.  5 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: As mentioned, at the time Biggie released this song, no other player could have really been as much at fault for a Lakers loss as Shaq.  Also, Nick Van Exel is hard to fit into any rhyme scheme.  5 of 5.

I have no idea what's going on in this picture.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 17 OUT OF 20 (New high score!)

Redman: "Rockafella"

When listing hip hop's most underrated MCs, Redman is...how do I say this?...often underrated.  Because the Funk Doctor gets more props than famous-for-being-underrated rappers like AZ and Big L, people mistakenly assume that he's getting his just due.  He isn't.  Redman is a top 25 MC (and probably top 15) who is usually treated with the same respect and admiration given to not-at-all peers like E-40, Scarface, and the guys from Mobb Deep.  If you go back and listen to Redman's entire discography, you'll find an intelligent, talented MC who you'll feel bad for not having though better of.

Redman was integral in my own maturation as a hip-hop head.  As an Eminem devotee, I was shocked when, in his infamous list of great MCs in "'Till I Collapse," he lists Redman first.  At that point, I only knew Red as the OTHER half of the tandem who made Blackout!, an inferior version of his partner, Method Man.  In fact, I didn't even know who Em was referring to when he said "Reggie."  At the time, I was basically a disciple of lyricism; if you weren't rhyming with intense internal and multi-syllabic rhymes, I didn't have much respect for you.  I loved Nas and didn't understand what the big deal was when it came to Biggie.  I couldn't stand anything from the West Coast prior to 1994.  Redman, who himself combines well-crafted lyricism with a one-of-a-kind flow and an infusion of funk, helped me to understand that there are more aspects of a MCing than just lyricism.  He also taught me how to roll a blunt because I'm white.

"Standin' tall like Shaq, / honey I'm back, this ain't Blue Chips."


Explanation: Redman will not back down from anyone, hence this use of the figurative phrase "standing tall," which makes him similar to the literally tall Shaquille O'Neal.  He has also returned from his musical absence since his last album, much like Shaq returned to a screen near you when you accidentally rented a copy of the Nick Nolte-lead sports film Blue Chips mistakenly thinking it was that Martin Lawrence movie where he pretends to be a cop.

No, not that one.

Awkwardness of Reference: How dare you.  Redman is never awkward.  Besides, the song has mad NBA references in it.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Reference: Doc's a pretty clever guy, but Shaq references are rarely a great vehicle for expressing that.  On the other hand, hey, Blue Chips reference.  3 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Shaq's pretty tall, I guess.  I don't fully understand the Blue Chips reference because I don't really like sports movies (other than The Mighty Ducks!), but I imagine it makes sense.  4 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: Shaq's not the only tall NBA player ever (no, really!), but he is one of the very few to be in Blue Chips.  Of course, Penny Hardaway was in that movie too, but no one wants to have think about Penny Hardaway's career these days.  3 of 5.

Of course I loved this show as a child.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 14 OUT OF 20

Snoop Dogg: "Pimp Slapp'd"

After spending last week talking about non-rappers and novelty acts, I've decided that this week's entries will only feature MCs who are top 50 all-time.  You know, just to clear our heads.

Snoop Dogg's place in rap is somewhat complicated.  His appearances on Dre's The Chronic combined with his debut album, Doggystyle, cemented his legacy as one of the West Coast's most original voices, but his career since then has been fairly unremarkable.  Though Snoop has a hit every two or three years, he hasn't really made any consistently good music since his first album, meaning that he has about two album's worth of decent material total (and that includes his wonderful but entirely superfluous redo of "La-Di-Da-Di", as well as my unfounded affection for "Batman & Robin").  Snoop has never been a particularly strong lyricist and, with an unconscionable 11 albums and 21 mixtapes to his credit (as well as several hundred features), few MCs can approach his vast collection of filler-rap.

And his filler-TV-show numbers are off the charts...

All that said, Snoop remains one of hip-hop's great hook-crafters and his style (though it devolved into parody after approximately two years) is one of rap's most recognizable.  Doggystyle is still a great record, maybe the West Coast Gangsta movement's finest achievement, and Snoop deserves lots of credit for helping to form the framework for West Coast rap in the early 90s.

One of Snoop's proudest moments is "Pimp Slapp'd," a diss record aimed at infamous Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight.  Though he's a bit of a punchline now (both literally and figuratively), Suge was rap's most feared man in the 90s, to the point where it was entirely conceivable (though not at all demonstrable) that he was linked to 2pac's murder.  By the time the 00s rolled around, Death Row was going bankrupt and people were a little less cautious about tossing Suge's name around.  Still, it wasn't until Snoop, a former Death Row member and person-whose-address-is-doubtlessly-in-Suge-Knight's-phone, released this diss track unscathed that the rap world realized that Suge was now harmless.

Also, Rick Ross cites Suge Knight as his fashion muse.

Okay, so some of that stuff I just made up.  I'm trying to form a narrative, people!  Regardless, "Pimp Slapp'd" is a fantastic song.  Here's our Shaq line:

"In the paint playin' post / I back ya down like Shaq-Daddy / and bust ya out your new Caddy."


Explanation: Like Shaq backing down a helpless defender in the post, Snoop uses his strength and superior masculinity to overwhelm Suge, allowing him to force him out of his newly-purchased Cadillac automobile via gunfire.  I think?

Awkwardness of Line: One of Snoop's great strengths is that, due to his ultra-smooth delivery, none of his lines ever sound awkward, even though they almost always are.  That's how he's gotten away with all of those terrible songs over the years.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: One of Snoop's great weakness is that he's never been a particularly clever lyricist.  This line is no exception, although I like that he called Shaq "Shaq-Daddy," adding to the interminable list of Shaq nicknames that already ranges from Superman to Diesel to The Big Aristotle to Kazaam.  Just kidding.  2 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: With Suge nearing bankruptcy and cultural irrelevance, it wouldn't seem unfair to say that he could be muscled around by a pop icon like Snoop, even as Snoop's own relevance has waned in the 00s.  Which is to say that this line would be quite appropriate if it didn't also assume that the poverty-stricken Suge owned a new Cadillac, which he likely couldn't have afforded.  3 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Though all post players engage in the acting of backing their opponent down, few were ever as effective at it as Shaq in his prime.  At the peak of his powers, Shaq could move the toughest defender wherever he wanted on the court due to his extreme size and strength.  3 of 5.

Regular-sized Aristotle, for comparison.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 12 OUT OF 20

Lil' Bow Wow: "Get Up"

The early-00s was an interesting time for rap.  All kinds of exciting new rappers were emerging, future top 25 MCs were solidifying their legacies, and many new trends were being birthed, none more pause-worthy than the sudden fascination with child rappers.  For the record, the only good child rapper ever has been Shyheim and I only say that because I'm Wu Tang for life, word is bond.  Lil' Bow Wow was this questionable trend's most successful product, going double platinum at the age 13, starring in a bunch of terrible movies, and making his own song about basketball which, despite being just no good at all, managed to be very popular and have Professional Rapper Fabolous on it.

Just because you can't be tried as an adult doesn't mean you can make terrible movies with impunity, kid.

Despite those credentials, Lil' Bow Wow totally sucks in every way, and his attempts to be taken seriously by removing the "Lil'" from his name have done nothing to modify that ineffable truth.  "Get Up," off of his second album (confusingly titled Doggy Bag) is a fine example of Lil' Bow Wow at his wackest, claiming that no one has a track record like he does or stacks paper in the same manner and generally making a convincing argument that he is to rap what Rebecca Black is to pop.

Seriously, in what way are his music videos any less embarrassing and terrible than "Friday"?

"Don't step in my rim. / I'm like Shaq, young man, don't step in my gym."

Explanation: I have no idea what the bit about the rim means (although he does sit on top of a basketball rim in the video for "Basketball" if I remember correctly, so maybe he means it literally?"), but he's basically just saying that you can't step in his area due to how fresh he is or something.

Awkwardness of Reference: I never know if it's fair to penalize perpetually awkward rappers for lines which are characteristic of their overall ineptness.  Yes, this is an awful and clumsy bit of rhyming, but not extraordinarily so by Lil' Bow Wow standards and certainly not the nadir of the song.  So should it get a decent rating based on a graded Lil' Bow Wow curve or should it be judged against the rich history of hip-hop NOT made by talentless adolescents?  I still haven't decided, so this one gets a 2 of 5 because the line still sucks, yo.

Cleverness of Reference: Same struggle here, but I'm more willing to be harsh with this one.  Terrible lines by terrible rappers are sometimes less-than-awkward because they don't have that "out of place" vibe that really makes a bad line awkward, but not-clever is just not-clever.  And this line is not clever. 1 of 5.

Appropriateness of Reference: Ultimately, Shaq probably wouldn't want you hanging around in his gym, since he was, at the time of this song's composition, a professional basketball player, so this line would score pretty highly in this category if it wasn't for the fact that a 15 year-old just called me "young man."  Shut the hell up, Lil' Bow Wow.  0 of 5.

Shaqness of Reference: This line could literally apply to any professional basketball player and, since Lil' Bow Wow's film Like Mike features nearly twenty NBA players (from Gary Payton to Chris Webber to Desmond Mason to REGGIE THEUS) and Shaq is not among them, I can't imagine why LBB decided to make Diesel his NBA shout-out.  1 of 5.

This is probably why Kidd never won a title with the Nets...

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 4 OUT OF 20