Mistah F.A.B.: "Slappin' in the Trunk"

I don't really have a lot to say about Mistah F.A.B.  He's an okay rapper who has stupid jewelry and a really terrible name acronym ("Money Is Something To Always Have--FaEva Afta Bread").  He really isn't particularly remarkable in any sense of the word, except for the fact that he apparently  thinks it's cool to make fun of special education children.

Okay, that's not entirely true.  Mistah F.A.B. has a "short bus" charm, repeatedly tells his hyphy followers to "go retarded" and "ride the short yellow bus," and is releasing an album called Da Yellow Bus Rydah next year.  The idea is that F.A.B. is linking the figurative expression "go stupid" (which is an imprecation to listeners to dance with abandon to a track) with the literal lowered intelligence present in those children who must unfortunately receive special education.

Also, he titled his first album Nig-Latin, which is inexcusable in itself.

Let it be known that F.A.B. doesn't think he's doing any harm.  He has repeatedly expressed his love for special education kids, even publicly donating to the Special Olympics.  But whether his hyphy followers actually dislike those who actually "ride the short bus" is irrelevant; F.A.B.'s whole persona is built around a tasteless, immature bit of wordplay that re-enforces a separation from those who are mentally handicapped rather than embracing them as equals.

None of this is really ground-breaking, but I haven't actually SEEN anyone say it, so I'm saying it.  Shut the hell up about school buses, Mistah F.A.B.  Get a new gimmick.  And give Nelly his flow back.

"I'm like Shaq in Miami 'cuz I still bring the heat."

Explanation: Shaq won a title for the Miami Heat and Mistah F.A.B. has a gun ("heat").  That's about it.

Awkwardness of Line: This isn't extraordinarily bad for a F.A.B. line, so I suppose it shouldn't rank highly (lowly) in this category.  It's awkwardly constructed, but whatever.  3 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This line doesn't make any sense.  It sounds innocuous (although uninteresting) at first, but it's so lazily put together that it becomes a non sequitar.  Shaq doesn't bring the Miami Heat, he's part of them.  It's a stupid line whose lack of creativity is enhanced by its poor construction.  0 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: On the one hand, when this song came out, Shaq did indeed play for the Miami Heat.  On the other, as I said, he didn't bring them anywhere.  If anything, they brought him places, like across the country to play the Sacramento Kings.  That's pretty much the last time you'll hear someone reference the Sacramento Kings this decade, so enjoy it.  1 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: Uhhhhh.  I don't even know how to figure this out.  I guess Shaq was the Heat's star player at the time, except he totally wasn't and it was Dwyane Wade.  This is stupid.  0 of 5.

Of course, that dig at the Kings becomes irrelevant once Jimmer Fredette figures out the pro gam...HAHAHA just kidding.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 4 OUT OF 20

Lloyd Banks: "If You So Gangsta"

There are few more quintessential examples of the medium of punchline rap than the work of Lloyd Banks.  It's really him vs. Cassidy vs. Fablous for the title of most punchline-y of punchline rappers in the 20 years or so, although with Cassidy's more recent work (like B.A.R.S.) being uncharacteristic of his traditional flow and Funeral Fab having always strayed from being a pure punchline-r, Banks may have yet taken the crown.

As a punchline rapper, Banks excels in the very aspects of rap that differentiate it from "hip-hop" for people who use the words "rap" and "hip-hop" to mean "music that white people can also listen to" and "music that white people cannot also listen to," respectively:..wait.  Sorry, got a little carried away there.  Let's take a step back.  The tenets of punchline are as follows:

1) Lines must exist primarily in couplets.  Though deviation from this form is acceptable, the punchline rapper uses couplets in the same way Alexander Pope did: to satirize and to comment on in a manner which, by the expediency of its form, juxtaposes whimsy with an epigrammatic profundity.

Coincidentally, An Essay on Man was originally titled "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley."

2) A penchant for puns and quotables over story-telling and big picture statements is a must.

3) Multi-syllabic end rhymes.  There is no way to be a punchline rapper without this.

4) Always sound better on guest spots and mixtapes than on your own album.  This necessity for being a punchline rapper is also the ultimate downfall for all punchline rappers, since the inability to form a coherent album dooms them to remixes of other people's songs.

Lloyd Banks has had as much success as any punchline rapper could reasonably expect, but, even with his memorable flow, he'll likely always be relegated to C-list status due to his inability to grow beyond his form.  Which is okay because at least he's not Tony Yayo.

Oh shit, really?!  Where?!

"Now I got money bags as big as a pumpkin get / and pistol as long as the hand Shaq dunkin' with."


Explanation: I know the first part has nothing to do with the Shaq part, I just thought this was a perfect example of Banks' punchline flow.  Anyway, Banks has a lot of money and his gun is large.  Punchline rap is pretty self-explanatory.

Awkwardness of Line: None at all.  This is pretty much exactly how Lloyd Banks always sounds.  5 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: This is actually kind of hard one to answer.  Hip-hop traditionalists (you know, people who think KRS-One the greatest MC of all-time) tend to discount punchline rap as empty, artless, and decidedly NOT clever.  However, we're in the 21st century and I think we all know better.  Great rap (or hip-hop or whatever) mixes punchlines with politics, clever wordplay with insightful story-telling.  Lloyd Banks doesn't really do that, but the rhymes here are decently clever.  3 of 5.

Appropriatenss of Line: As discussed previously, Shaq's hands (which seem to be of particular interest for the hip-hop community) are around 11 inches long.  An 11-inch pistol is pretty big, but it's certainly not unheard of.  I'd say there's a decent chance that Lloyd Banks does, in fave, have such a pistol.  5 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: When it comes to big hands, Shaq is near the very top in NBA history.  Insanely specific measurements like that haven't been kept forever, so I can't be sure, but it seems like the most prominent NBA players who had significantly larger hands than Shaq (as in one inch larger or more) are Julius Erving and...uh...Wayne Embry?  Anyway, good work by Banks here.  4 of 5.

Basketball or weird ballet? 

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 17 OF 20

Rakim: "Game of Death"

Ok, I'll admit it, this is sort of cheating.  This isn't actually a Rakim song, it's a Shaq song FEATURING Rakim, off of Shaq's third album.  As such, it's not really exceptionally notable that Ra mentions Shaq in this song, since he's rhyming alongside him.  Normally, I wouldn't count this.

But things are different for me and Rakim since I realized he was the greatest rapper of all time about a month ago.  I was going through his entire discography when I realized that he had never released a bad album.  Four records with Eric B. and three solo and the worst of them is probably Let the Rhythm Hit'Em, which still has, you know, the song "Let the Rhythm Hit'Em" on it.  It's an unprecedented run when you look back on it.  The Master released albums from 1987 to 2009.  His debut was Paid in Full, which I contend is the best album of the Golden Age.  His last album, The Seventh Seal, wasn't fantastic, but it was MILES ahead of the embarrassing late career albums of his Golden Age contemporaries like Biz Markie, Big Daddy Kane, Public Enemy, and the highly overrated KRS-One.  Rakim is one of rap's great lyricist and the fact that his discography is without a blemish puts him ahead of other top 10 MCs like 2pac (his early albums weren't very good and his posthumous stuff is INCREDIBLY hit or miss), Biggie (a surprising amount of filler for someone who only released two albums proper), Nas (do I need to explain?), Jay-Z (ditto), and even dark-horse candidates like Eminem (don't make me bring up the Encore period), Ghostface Killah (I like his "R&B" album, but I'm the only one), and Ice Cube (he's releasing mediocre material AS WE SPEAK).

That's not what I was talking about...

The point is that you can pick up any album which Rakim has released confidently knowing that it's not going to embarrass you to own it.  That may not sound like a stellar recommendation for the GOAT, but you literally can't say that about any other rapper that I can think of.

When I'm in flight, it make me and Shaq the same height.


Explanation: When Ra is "lifted" (either by the sublime experience of rapping or by smoking weed), it brings him a foot or so off the floor, making him and Shaq equal height.

Awkwardness of Line: I feel like I've said this a lot this week, but Rakim doesn't really spit that many awkward lines.  One of the things that separates top 50 MCs from Ja Rule is their ability to gloss over their weaker lines with either their flow, voice, or superior craftsmanship.  Rakim possesses all three of those traits in abundance, and he shows it on this song, which is genuinely pretty good even with Shaq on it.  So, not awkward, I mean.  4 of 5.

Cleverness of Line: Rakim is extremely clever, but we're finding more and more that clever Shaq-related rhymes are few and far between.  This one isn't NOT clever, it just isn't clever, if you know what I mean.  Which, how could you?  3 of 5.

Appropriateness of Line: Rakim is about 5'9 and Shaq, as previously documented, is 7'1, meaning the power of Ra's lyrical prowess and/or marijuana would have to raise him a little over a foot off the ground.  Rakim is the greatest rapper of all time, so I fully believe that this is possible.  Also, weed is a hell of a...no, wait.  For reference, the shortest rapper ever is Bushwick Bill, who comes in at around 3'8.  3 of 5.

Shaqness of Line: As I've said before, Shaq is nowhere near the tallest NBA player ever, so I usually dock points for references to his height.  However, this is a song about Shaq, so it would make no sense for Ra to reference anyone else and, being as the song is on Shaq's album, I feel like "Shaqness" can't really get much higher, right?  Also, I'm cheating so that Rakim will have a better score.  5 of 5.

Clear evidence that you have to have someone ELSE shoot you for it to make you into a millionaire.

FINAL SHAQ SCORE: 15 OUT OF 20